An Amazon Journey

Who would have thought it? Blogging requires discipline- the continually applied application of craft and form. Well, perhaps some people apply craft. I just spew. The actual application of self discipline is quite new to me. I know what it is. I’ve heard it mentioned by others, but I’ve just never worked that hard. It sounds very egotistical to say that most things are easy for me- at least the things that people see, that is- the parts of me most apparent to others- my music, cooking, etc. What I have not shared before now is this constant vicious battle within. Important internal battles: like the voracious desire to raid the Cheeze-it box, the desire to move to Bora Bora, run naked, and call myself Kiki, the bloodthirsty war of whether to buy myself sassy new slingbacks or to cloth my constantly growing and eating child.  Yes, I am being silly, but these battles are constant and sometimes even the silliest ones defeat me. I am learning that aging brings new challenges. What was so complicated in my teens and twenties is a walk in the park now. What scared me senseless in my greener years is now laughable. But looking at myself in the mirror requires more courage than I ever thought possible. Where does this self-hatred come from?? My parents loved me and nurtured me! My friends always supported me, and I have been lavished with affection from the cradle! So I ask again, where does this self-hatred come from?? Obviously, if I could answer that, I would have billions of dollars and my own tv show. But here is my amateur attempt at analyzation:

1. Look around. How much of your environment is geared toward attaining someone else’s idea of perfection.Pictures? Billboards? Ads on your computer screen?

2. Open your checkbook and consider what portion of your paycheck you spend on self improvement or to make yourself look like those ads and/or pictures.

3. How many times today will you use self-depracting humor around others? Will you make fun of yourself?

4. Will you lay in bed tonight and verbally flog yourself for your apparent “failures” today?

I truly hope none of you can answer yes or “oh, my” to any of those, but I suspect many of you will. I certainly do and will. So as I openly work to change my body and impove my health, I’ve realized that I need to add something else to my list. In fact, it needs to move to the very top of my priorities. I have to learn to accept my flaws and failures without the flogging and mental razor blades. I have to stop being so viscious with myself. I need to treat myself with the same care that I would show my child…or simpler yet, with the same respect that I would show any person I pass on the street. Is it just plain dumb that I can be kinder to the bumbling yahoo in line at the Food Lion than I am to myself?

So yes, I weighed this morning and have gained. I have no plans to work out today (I do tomorrow, though!) And you know what? I’m okay with it. I’m going to make myself some hot tea and get on with my work.  Try to love yourself just a bit, my friend. Be patient. I’ll do the same.

Mwah